[I found the following letter stuffed inside of a discarded Valentine hanging out of an overfilled waste bin in the Capitol rotunda. Attached were assorted chocolates and a blue hydrangea bloom; the card smelled of Old Spice.]
Dear John, My dear Senator McCain,
Republicans are Red; Democrats are Blue. Sometimes I wonder, which one are you?
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been watching you from across the aisle for quite some time now. Please don’t be weirded out. I know that we haven’t always gotten along and that we’ve had our share of ugly and embarrassing public fights. But lately, I find myself being reminded of a time when we used to be civil; I think we may have had something…
Listen: I may be overstepping my bounds and it may not be my business to say, but you do not seem happy in your current relationship. I see the way he treats you and the effect that it has on you and your friends. I know that you see it too and I can’t help but wonder if your relationship with “your” party and its mouthpiece is healthy for you.
You, yourself were the first to identify the problem and give it voice. When you questioned if he “fired up the crazies” you must have been wondering if you still identified with “your” party. Instead of allaying your concern, he lashed out at you. He insulted your service to our country (and that of many others) when he said that he preferred those who were not captured in war. He may have walked back his statements and received criticism. But when it mattered, “your” party still wanted him to represent them; your base took his side.
He called you a loser. He still does. He says that you’ve “been losing so long [you don’t] know how to win anymore.” After the raid in Yemen that resulted in the loss of an American life, thirty civilians’ lives, and an American aircraft, you voiced your concern. However, he callously called the raid a success and then deflected your criticism by attacking you for having the audacity to challenge its merit. And then he called you a loser.
Your so-called friends have had a history of alienating you. Remember back in 2014 when “your” party voted to censure you? They stated that:
“Only in times of great crisis or betrayal is it necessary to publicly censure our leaders. Today we are faced with both.”
They felt betrayed by you, and you know why. Let’s be honest, you haven’t always marched in lock-step with the GOP ideals. You have been deemed too liberal by “your” party.
Most people remember you saying that you would complete the “danged fence,” in a commercial during your presidential bid, but that does not entirely encapsulate your nuanced and developing stance on immigration. You even went so far as to say that the fence would be the most ineffective deterrent, but if “your” party wanted it, they’d get it.
Before you ran for president, you were for responsible immigration reform that would allow for a path to citizenship, but “your” party led the effort to its destruction. More recently, you criticized the travel ban the leader of “your” party put into place. He said you should stop trying to create World War III.
Senator McCain, I am concerned for you. Maybe the passing of Valentine’s day has me a bit misty-eyed, reminiscing about the times when it seemed that we had so much in common. I know that we may not completely agree with regards to abortion and gun control, but I also see that you are not as beholden to those stances as others in “your” party. There is nuance in you. There is wiggle-room, a certain give and take in your manner of governance.
We may not always agree, but there was a time when we could actually discuss our disagreements civilly. We used to flirt unabashedly when you would come to visit Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. I miss those times. “Your” party has left you lonely, and if there is a part of you that misses the good ol’ days too, maybe consider a trial separation. We don’t have to jump right into a relationship together, but maybe you should be independent for a while. And if the mood should strike you, maybe we could caucus from time to time. No strings attached and no pressure; we could just be colleagues with benefits.
The Democratic Party
This is obviously satire. Unfortunately, with the current state of journalism and politics, I feel compelled to explicitly state that.